||[Mar. 27th, 2004|01:58 pm]
So apparently I have become a person that some people don't want to know anymore.|
It's funny how you change yourself so you can help yourself and in the end everyone hates you for it. I just changed while I am in school. Out of school, I am myself. People don't even try, so why should I? It's not my fault that I am busy or that I am grounded or that I don't have money like the rest of them. I don't want to depend on people so much for money. I feel embarressed. I hate taking/borrowing money from people. Why do they think that I am not going because I don't want to? You know, people sometimes really only care about themselves.
Most people don't understand what I'm going through. What it feels like to be upset. What it feels like to be abused. I don't like it when people lie to me just so they don't hurt me or just so they don't piss me off more. Did you ever think about talking to me instead of making judgements and decisions. And you really wonder why I hate people?
If you want to know me, try living in my shoes. Try living in this house. Try hearing what people say to you. Try doing your best to please people and no matter what you do, they bitch about it. And when you find those few people who actually accept you and don't critize you for every single little fucking thing, they accuse you of leaving, they accuse you of ditching them, they accuse you of being selfish.
I guess I'm just as shallow as people put me out to be. Maybe I'm a hypocrite? You'll really never fully understand unless you talk to me and figure out what the fuck I am doing.
I'm just a liar.
I'm just selfish.
I'm just a jealous bitch.
Am I? Am I really?
Or am I just trying to move on and actually get myself back to normal.
Is it a crime to think of yourself for once? Is it so wrong to actually try to surround yourself in a half decent environment. And when you're not in one, to not act like you are happy to please everyone around you?
I have changed. But instead of critizing me about it, did you ever think why I changed?
I am not the problem. All of you are for being so stubborn to actually realise what is happening to me. For not looking at what I am doing and taking it as if I'm being a bitch. Why can't you just realise that I am still me? Open up your eyes because you are killing me if you don't.